It has been about 3 weeks since I quit my previous job. Hard to forget something that took up pretty much all of one’s waking hours though.
The last 1.5 years has been a ride to say the least. I almost got sacked, then somehow made it through, before breaking a 2-year employment bond a little after the halfway point.
There were ups and downs. Some difficult students here and there that I eventually settled into some strange routine with. There were times I found myself grappling with this thing that seemed close to what people would call “impostor syndrome”.
All things must come to an end though. I started walking to the exit door once I looked back and realised that I had pretty much been working 6 to 6.5 days a week. My workplace had an offloading system where they would give some scripts to a part-timer. However, even if I maxed this offloading, it would still be a significant load.
Stagnation
On my off days I was marking scripts, making sure that different crucial points were in. If the students wrote off topic or omitted huge portions, that was something I saw necessary to get them to include in. I powered through purely by seeing how the students’ scripts gradually improved to add in all those pointers I included. Yet seeing them, two thoughts surfaced in my mind. First, that my life had come to a screeching halt. All I was doing was spitting out script after script akin to a printer. Second, that I was in fact stagnating.
Have you heard of a language teacher that has not read a book for a year? That was me. No time, as I was tied up with marking. No mental headspace, as a book would literally remind me of work. I have also lost track of how many times I have hit backspace on this draft to avoid writing the way I did at the previous job.
It seemed after that that work was the only thing I could think of. I undertook to stream more this year, but that was completely thrown out of the window with the overtime being even greater than the previous job. And not just the overtime – I urgently needed some downtime, so that I would have enough gas in the tank to power through lessons.
I started considering quitting around April 2024. That was around when I went on to a job portal for the first time. I then made up my decision to quit around end of May. I remember this day very clearly. It was Vesak Day, and I had just played mahjong with some friends. Somehow, I was in a really shitty mood after that. Probably it was from seeing how my friends seemed much less tied down, with better work life balances. That was the night I made up my mind.
“Perfectionist”
I powered through one more month just to sleep on things, though the things I heard were not positive at all. My (now-ex) colleagues were confiding in me about burnout. One particularly extreme case someone told me they were contemplating “going back to a therapist”. I’m no mental health expert but if something is driving you in that direction, it is very likely that that is the cause. Addressing it, including by removal if needed (of the cause, or yourselves from it), is the solution.
I timed it such that my last day would be around the graduating batch’s last lessons. Those 3 months for the notice period were the longest 3 months ever. The kicker however was during this exit interview they set up in the same week I tossed the letter.
The main business owner took one look at the scripts I was marking, and said I was a “perfectionist over-marking scripts”. Marking this much, no wonder you’re exhausted, they said. The other business owner concurred and subsequently said what must be the most tone-deaf thing I have ever heard.
“Frankly, last time when I saw [wife] marking so intensely, I don’t understand why.”
Stay in your lane then? Some of us here are trying to make sure your students are getting the bang for their buck. The moment I heard that, all the doubt in my mind was gone. With such dismissive management, why bother to stay?
Someone actually reached out to me though a mutual contact previously, asking whether it was a good idea to work at my previous workplace. I did not mince my words there when I advised her to reconsider. The place, in its current state, is not something you want to be bound to by an employment bond.
Closing Thoughts
On to the future, to greener pastures where I can better manage my workload (and of course, more streaming!) I think this is the last time I will be talking about this matter for such an extended period.
I don’t think you should ever have to destroy your own mental health for a job. I can handle maybe a week, a month. But when it drags out for a quarter, half a year, and an entire year, eroding your wellbeing as it drags on, that’s your sign to go.
It’s time to put the past behind and move on. I just have this message for my ex-students, even though I have never told them that I stream:
I have greatly enjoyed teaching you all. Even the times where I got annoyed or upset remain precious memories (though having said that please keep this to a minimum). Perhaps our paths will cross one day. If you all need assistance, my doors are always open.
Comments are closed